Nice guy sindrome

Generally, Nice Guys are calm and generous people. They primarily want to look good and be liked by others. They avoid arguments like the plague and are happiest when they are making others happy. Nice Guys are especially careful to please women and to distinguish themselves from other men.

Essentially, Nice Guys believe that if they are good, caring, and generous, they will be happy, loved, and have a life without problems.

However, no matter how hard they try to achieve the peace and happiness they desperately crave, they end up being abandoned and frustrated.

So, who are 'Nice Guys' and why do they always 'finish last'?

The Life Script of Nice Guys

The constant failure and frustration of Nice Guys stem from the fact that their life philosophy is based on a specific life script.

Let me explain what a life script is.

A life script or life scenario is a person's unconscious life plan. It is usually formed in childhood and determines our life choices. It is an internal map that we use to guide ourselves through life, and it serves as a filter through which we process life experiences.

A script, like a map, can be a great tool for making progress on our life path. But if that map is outdated or inaccurate, it can send us in the wrong direction, fruitlessly circling the same old neighborhood.

The Ineffective Life Script of Nice Guys

The life script that Nice Guys follow throughout their lives is:

If I am good, hide my flaws, and be what I think others want me to be—I will be loved, my needs will be met, and I will have a life without problems.

Read that again, slowly.

Nice Guys fundamentally believe that they must be perfect and adapt to others at all costs in order to get the love and attention they desperately crave.

When this life script doesn't bring the desired results, as is often the case, Nice Guys see only one alternative—try harder (please more, be even better, adapt better).

The tendency to hold firmly to the same script that has proven ineffective is so strongly embedded in their minds that any attempt to shake that script is considered heresy.

When and How Does the Nice Guy Life Script Originate?

Most life scripts are formed when we were small, naive, and helpless. They arise when our minds are not yet fully formed, so that map is drawn with inaccurate interpretations between our minds and our life experiences.

There are two facts we must understand about children:

First, children come into the world completely helpless. They depend on adults to respond to their needs in a timely manner. As a result of this dependence, every child's greatest fear is abandonment, because abandonment means death.

Second, children are egocentric. This means they fundamentally believe they are the center of the universe and are the cause of everything that happens to them.

These two factors—their egocentrism and fear of abandonment—create a very powerful dynamic. When a child experiences some form of abandonment, they think that they are the cause of what happened. Some of these abandonments can be:

• He is hungry, and no one feeds him.
• He is crying, and no one calms him.
• He is lonely, and no one pays attention to him.
• A parent neglects him.
• A parent places unrealistic expectations on him.
• A parent uses him to satisfy their own needs.
• A parent shames and criticizes him.
• A parent beats him.
• A parent leaves and doesn't return in a timely manner.
• A parent dies or abandons him.

Since every child is born imperfect, into an imperfect family, on an imperfect planet, everyone has some of these abandonment experiences.

The child interprets the abandonment they experience as being their fault. Although their interpretation is incorrect, children don't know how to interpret what is happening to them in any other way.

This naive, egocentric interpretation of experiences creates what is called 'Toxic Shame'.

Toxic shame is the ingrained belief that one is bad, worthless, and unlovable ('Mom and Dad left me because I'm bad'). Toxic shame isn't just about doing bad things; it's the internal belief that one is fundamentally bad.

As a result of these abandonments and their incorrect interpretations, children develop survival mechanisms that help them do three things:

1. Cope with the physical and emotional pain of abandonment.
2. Attempt to prevent similar events from happening in the future.
3. Attempt to hide the toxic shame (their "badness") from themselves and others.

The attempt to be a Nice Guy—to be what others want him to be—is one of the survival mechanisms a boy uses to prevent potential abandonment and hide his internal toxic shame (the belief that he is 'unlovable').

If he is always good and does everything right, adapts to others, and fulfills their needs, the boy believes that he will thereby prevent abandonment and the possibility of being rejected again.

Characteristics of Nice Guys

Each of these men is a unique person, but they all share a set of common traits:

• Seeking approval from others. A universal trait of Nice Guys is seeking approval from others. Everything a Nice Guy does or says is, on some level, calculated to gain approval or avoid disapproval from others. This is especially true in their relationships with women.
• Generosity. Nice Guys often state that they feel good when they give to others. These men believe their generosity is a sign of how good they are, and that their generosity will make others value and love them.
• Fixing others' problems. If a person has a problem, is angry, depressed, or sad, a Nice Guy will try to solve or fix the situation (often without being asked).
• Avoiding conflict. Nice Guys seek to make their world peaceful and smooth. To do this, they avoid doing things that might upset others at all costs.
• Nice Guys hide flaws and mistakes. These men are terribly afraid that others will get angry at them, shame them, or abandon them if a flaw or mistake of theirs is discovered.
• They seek the 'right' way to do things. Nice Guys believe there is a key to a happy life without problems. They are convinced that if they can figure out the perfect way to do things, nothing will ever go wrong.
• Nice Guys want to be different from their fathers. Many Nice Guys report having passive, absent, aggressive, critical, or alcoholic fathers. It is not uncommon for them to have decided at some point in their lives to be 180 degrees different from their fathers.
• They feel more comfortable in the company of women than men. Nice Guys have very few male friends. They often seek approval from women and convince others that they are different from other men. They believe they are not selfish, egocentric, or aggressive—bad qualities they associate with other men.
• They have trouble prioritizing their own needs. These men think it's very selfish to put their own needs first. They believe it is a virtue to put others' needs before their own.
• Nice Guys make their partner the emotional center of their lives. They claim to be happy only if their partner is happy, and therefore they direct an enormous amount of energy toward their romantic relationships.

Why Is It a Problem to Be a Nice Guy?

We might be tempted to downplay the problem of Nice Guy Syndrome. After all, is being 'nice' such a bad thing?

The term 'Nice Guy' is actually a misnomer, because Nice Guys are anything but nice. Here are some of the not-so-nice traits of these men:

Nice Guys are dishonest. These men hide mistakes, say what they think others expect from them, and suppress their feelings. These traits make them fundamentally dishonest.

They hide mistakes. Because they so desperately want approval from others, Nice Guys hide anything that could cause others' disapproval. Their motto is: 'If at first you don't succeed, hide the evidence.'

They are compartmentalized. Nice Guys are skilled at reconciling contradictory information about themselves, separating it into different compartments of their minds. For example, a married man may create his own definition of faithfulness that allows him to deny having an affair with a colleague because he never had sex with her.

They are manipulative. Nice Guys have trouble prioritizing their own needs and difficulty asking for what they want in a clear and direct way. This creates a feeling of helplessness, so they resort to manipulation when trying to get their needs met.

Nice Guys are controlling. Their main priority is keeping their world peaceful. This creates a huge need to control the people and events around them.

Nice Guys give to get. Although they are generous givers, their giving often has an unspoken agenda. By giving, they want some kind of reciprocity (to be respected, loved, not to have people angry at them, etc.). They will often say they give a lot but get little in return.

They are passively-aggressive. Nice Guys express their frustration and resentment in not-so-nice ways. This includes avoidance, being late, forgetting things, an inability to get an erection or ejaculating too quickly... and repeating the same annoying behaviors, even though they promised it would never happen again.

They are full of rage. Although Nice Guys deny being angry, a lifetime of frustration and resentment creates a pressure cooker of repressed anger. This anger usually erupts in inappropriate and unexpected situations.

They are addicts. Their addictive behavior serves to alleviate stress, change their mood, or treat pain. Since Nice Guys hold so much inside, it all has to leak out somewhere. One of the most common addictive behaviors is sexual compulsivity and masturbation.

They have problems with sexuality. Although most Nice Guys deny having problems with sex, I have yet to meet one who is satisfied with his sex life or doesn't have some form of sexual dysfunction (ejaculating too quickly, unable to get an erection, unable to maintain an erection) or acts out sexually (addiction to pornography, masturbation, affairs...).

They have difficulty setting personal boundaries. Many of them can't say 'No,' 'Stop,' or 'I won't.' They often feel like passive victims of others and see others as the cause of the problems they face.

They are a magnet for people who need 'emotional fixing'. Unfortunately, this guarantees they will spend most of their time fixing other people's problems and putting out fires.

Nice Guys often have problems in intimate relationships. Although they place an enormous emphasis on their romantic relationships, they are most often the source of their frustration. For example:

Nice Guys are bad listeners because they are too busy defending themselves or fixing the other person's problem than actually listening.

Due to their fear of conflict, they are often unavailable to fully resolve a problem.

It is not uncommon for Nice Guys to see their partners as a 'project' or a 'diamond that needs to be polished.' They want to change them (which, in their minds, means 'help'). When this doesn't happen, they blame their partners for standing in the way of their happiness.

Nice Guys are moderately successful. Most of these men are hardworking, talented, and intelligent, but only moderately successful. Almost without exception, they never manage to achieve their full potential.

When they come to psychotherapy, they complain about restlessness, a feeling of emptiness, and loneliness. Regardless of their poor state, this should be encouraging. The very word 'syndrome' implies that there is a possibility of its removal.

How to Overcome Nice Guy Syndrome

Another important characteristic of Nice Guys is that they never ask for help. They believe they have to do everything themselves, so they try to solve their problems in ineffective ways, mostly by doing the same thing.

The point is to start doing things differently from what you have been doing (and no, that doesn't mean becoming a jerk). I will share with you the most important points that will help you break free from Nice Guy Syndrome:

1. Read Dr. Robert Glover's book, 'No More Mr. Nice Guy.' If I've learned anything about this syndrome, I learned it from Robert Glover. Reading the book, I had the impression that the man was reading my mind. Robert himself struggled with the syndrome for a long time and has decades of experience working with such men. In addition to a detailed description and analysis of the psyche and behavior, at the end of each chapter, Robert provides exercises that will help you break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome. If you can't find the book, send me a message, and I'll be happy to forward it to you.
2. Start therapy or join a men's group (mandatory step*) An essential step for treating this syndrome is to open up and share your problems in a safe atmosphere, in front of other men. Speaking openly in front of others seems terrifying and shameful at first glance, but it is a necessary step. The reason for working with men is that Nice Guys (unconsciously) seek approval from women and want to present themselves as perfect to them. This leads to problems and flaws being hidden, and if problems are hidden, it's impossible to work on them. Another reason for working with a man/men is that Nice Guys thereby come into contact with their masculinity and improve relationships with other men. It is also necessary to become aware of the aspects of the Nice Guy in you, and for that, you need a person familiar with the problem. This is also a shameless personal ad for the psychotherapy and men's group I lead.
3. Action, action, action. Facing fears is the only way a man makes progress. Step out of your comfort zone and try what you haven't dared to do before. Set personal boundaries. Learn to say 'No,' 'I won't,' and 'Stop' despite the fear and discomfort you feel. Ask others to do something for you—without apologizing or beating around the bush. Let them bring you a glass of water, light your cigarette, prepare you something to eat... anything. Do this at least once a day. Initially, this can cause enormous anxiety, but over time it brings many blessings. Start a business. Ask for a raise... Go up to that cute girl in the neighborhood and tell her you like her. You simply have to expose your personality to the world and be in situations that are not comfortable for you.

And don't take yourself too seriously, because life is a game with no winners. Whatever happens will be forgotten.

And you, thank goodness, will be fine.

Author: Nemanja Kurlagić – psychotherapist using the O.L.I. method